


A little life

by hopelessrdj



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Car Accidents, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Major Character Injury, Sorry Not Sorry, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:55:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23635684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopelessrdj/pseuds/hopelessrdj
Summary: Things get broken, and sometimes they get repaired, and in most cases, you realize that no matter what gets damaged, life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss.au based on a book A little life by Hanya Yanagihara, you know how it goes
Relationships: Carol Danvers/James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Tony Stark/Stephen Strange
Comments: 9
Kudos: 34





	A little life

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry in advance

They were 19 when they first met. Despite their differences and contrasting backgrounds they came from the four of them worked perfectly together and quickly they became inseparable.

There was Wong, a struggling architect who still lived close to his family in order to help them out as much as possible despite his busy college life. Finding a job wasn’t easy with his occupation but he did so last month and even though the payment wasn’t as high as it should be he managed to still live a good life sharing his apartment with Rhodey

Rhodey who joined the military as soon as he got his degree realising he was no longer interested in it but airforce was his dream ever since he was a child and pushed by his friends he finally got the courage to apply. He got in almost immediately because they recognised his passion and natural talent.

Then there was Tony an aspiring actor and passionate ballet dancer who was kicked out from home by his father who wanted him to study engineering and take over his empire. From time to time he still managed to meet his mom who supported his choices from the beginning to the end, kept coming to his plays whenever she could and was anonymously sending money to his account to make sure he still lives a good life. Thanks to her him and Stephen could rent their tiny apartment

And for Stephen, Tony was the closest thing to a family he ever had. He got a chance to meet Maria on multiple occasions and each time she told him how much she loves the good influence he has on her son. He was a brilliant individual, with talent for maths, law and biology who was currently following a medical career which at this point wasn’t yet paying well but soon definitely will.

Tony and Stephen started dating at the age of 26. By that time they both already started building their careers, Tony, who used his mothers surname as his stage name, had his first big role that landed him a few covers and interviews while Stephen already managed to get his place at Metro General and make his name worth remembering.

But Tony was in love for at least 5 years before it happened. 5 years of living under the same roof and watching his best friend and soulmate doubt himself and his abilities while simultaneously being Tony’s biggest supporter.

He knew Stephen was confident while working, he saw him in the hospital right in his element more than once and knew he was the right person in th right place if the way people listened to him was any indication.

But he was also confident that he wasn’t worthy of love. That he was not a good person. Tony knew this feeling well. It often accompanied people who grew up as orphans, lacking the parental love they saw all around. But he at least had Maria. Stephen was mostly on his own.

And now he was there and wanted to give him all the love he could find. But was scared of scaring him away, of losing the friendship they carefully formed through the years. If it wasn’t for Rhodey he was sure he’d never find the courage to actually risk what they had.

“I just don’t know what to do Rhodes” he said one day “I’ve thought about what we could be if we just gave it a chance. Because I have dated other people for years and it never worked out and I wonder if it’s because none of those people were him. What if I was supposed to wait and be with him. But I don’t want to try and later find out I was just curious what we could be.” He sighed putting his head in his hands “What do you think I should do”

“I think it makes sense. In more ways than you think it it does, especially from people who look at the two of you and know you. You’ve always had something different something that Wong and I could just look at and be jealous of. Something more than the friendship four of us shares. So despite all your girlfriends I always wondered if there’s something more between you” he put his hand on Tony’s arm “ But you need to know if you will give him hope you need to do it with the promise of forever”

“I wouldn’t ever settle for less” he looked deep into his eyes “He deserves the best. And I want to give it to him”

So when he promised him forever the exact same day he wasn’t hesitant at all. He in fact was never more sure of anything in his life than he was of this decision and when Stephen reluctantly agreed to give it a try he was over the moon.

Obviously their busy schedules clashed. Stephen was at the hospital for bigger part of the day and Tony used said time to memorise the scripts, run three miles and later stretch, he would be at the studio till way too late and come back home to his boyfriend either preparing them dinner or being asleep already.

But they learned to make the best of what they had. They woke up early to always eat breakfast together and promised to clear at least one day a week for them to waste. Sometimes it didn’t work out the way they planned to

“There’s an emergency. I have to go to the hospital” Stephen whispers while running his long fingers through Tony’s messy morning hair

“Don’t” he’d say his sleepy voice muffled by the pillow “Stay” he’d add and wrap his hand around Stephen’s wrist

“I have to go” he’d answer with the sadness in his voice cause there’s nothing that he’d want more than cuddling next to him in this bed

“Three minutes” he’ll say and Stephen can’t say no to that so he lies down beside him, crawling under the warm blanket like his life depended on it.

Tony wraps his arms around him and presses his head into the crook of his neck and all Stephen can think of is how they were meant to hold each other. How they fit perfectly as if they were puzzles. He locks their fingers and thinks about how capable they are of finding peace just lying here like this.

He kisses his forehead and promises to be back as soon as he can and leaves his arms before he loses all focus and motivation and just comes back to sleep.

He looks at Tony and smiles at the domesticity of it all, at how familiar the situation already became, at how the boy’s spontaneous acts of affection made Stephen feel more touchy and spontaneous as well, how his good mood managed to affect him and his hugs were everything he needed after a long tiring day. It was everything he asked for in a relationship.

Stephen still thinks about how unsure he was of this, the first few weeks. How fragile he thought it would be despite Tony’s best efforts to show him on every occasion that he was fully in, committed to him and planning to be by his side for good.

But he couldn’t wrap his head around this. Tony Stark, beautiful inside and out, smart, popular, worldwide known wanted to be with him. Yes, he was obviously smart. But he was neither as muscular as Tony nor as handsome, he wasn’t doing well with crowds either. He lacked his charm and charisma, the natural magnetism.

Yet somehow they worked. And everyone they told about their relationship supported them or mentioned that they have seen it coming. And now it’s been almost a year

He felt more sure about this now, no longer stressed while going out with Tony in public. He was now open enough to initiate contact and shower him with kisses whenever he felt like it and now, more than ever he could really believe they were meant to be together forever.

And when he came back home that day Tony was still in bed and the second he saw him he lifted the cover for him and Stephen quickly undressed and got in bed to demand his cuddles and continue with the lazy day as if it was never interrupted.

And Tony loved moments like this. He loved knowing that he made Stephen happy, that he wanted affection as much as he did. That day he told him he thought they should tell Maria about what their friendship grew into. Strange kissed him slowly and told him he’s love that.

The first obstacles appeared when Tony decided to talk to his manager. He wanted to make sure it’s know he loves his boyfriend and want’s to be with him for eternity. He’s been fighting with his thoughts for weeks now and he decided he wants the relation to be public which thankfully Stephen wasn’t as opposed to as he expected him to be.

Fury was though. He didn’t expect him to support him on his decision and be happy for him but neither did he expect the attacks that came his way “Do you want to do gay movies for the rest of your life Tony? Because that’s what you will be doing if you go with this decision” he told him before he proceed to explain how gay actors were perceived in the movie industry as if he didn’t know.

The thing is he didn’t care. Acting and ballet were the things he was hoping to do ever since he was a child and now that he build his career it really didn’t matter what type of films he would do as long as he could perform.

He knew Stephen didn’t share this opinion. That he was worried for him and told him they can keep their relationship quiet for the sake of his career. But he didn’t wanted to keep quiet. He wanted to shout his love from the rooftop so the entire New York city could hear him

And he was right. His name was all over the news a week later and so was Stephen’s. The amount of work he had didn’t change much. Yes he lost some offers but got new ones instead, different, more difficult. Challenging. Like a breath of fresh air. He loved them.

but what he hated was the distance between them when he had to travel for the shooting. He knew it was a necessity, but it never stopped hurting. He wished he could just take Stephen with him wherever he goes.

They made sure to call. Each one of them added the other’s calendar to their phones so they could find a middle ground, a good time for a facetime or call and they did. They didn’t know how it managed to work out but somehow it truly did and they were thankful for it.

Sometimes they talked about work about the way they should plan it out, the things Stephen could discuss with Tony’s agent while he’s gone. But there are also more mundane things, the small talks, the ‘I miss you’s. He learned to appreciate them a lot more.

They’ve been together for three years now and Tony has become one of the best actors of his generation. Stephen has earned his fair share of the titles, became the big name invited for the galas. The world was theirs to have and they took from it with their hands full. Happiness has never been a constraint in their lives before but it is now.

Another two years down the road they asked Wong to plan a house for them. A wonderful two storey modern place made mostly of glass that would sit on the hill near the forest. Close enough to the city that Stephen wouldn’t have a problem with arriving to work but far enough for them to have enough privacy and peace.

During the 8 month process of building the place they visit Wong regularly. Stephen more often than Tony, but neither of them minded. They discussed everything later on anyway and they trusted his friend enough to know it was going to be perfect. Now he walks through the house with Wong running his hands through the surfaces and he’s impressed by the amazing work his friend has done.

And when during the long weekend Tony comes back from Europe for a while Stephen picks him up from the airport and drives to their new house that he haven’t seen yet. They walk in and his eyes light up as if it still felt too surreal to believe that it was theirs, this little piece of happiness just for them to possess.

The second time he came back home he called out for Stephen from the door and he came out from the kitchen and kissed him sweetly, and he had to remind himself that this is his life, and that in this wonderful life they created together he has someone to come home to. And Tony thinks that the best part of going away is always coming back.

Because nowhere else in the world things feel as good as at home. The pine needles smell is just a little bit stronger and the warmth of the fireplace can truly warm up his soul. The food, finally homemade instead of a takeout that’s cold by the time it arrives.

And there’s also this person you come back to: the face that you adore and voice that no phone call can do justice, warm body to wrap around you when you sleep, his scent and touch that keep the nightmares at bay. The way the saturated morning sunlight hits his handsome face just right making the soft smile much more visible.

Then there are things that, if you’re as lucky as Tony is, that person did for you while you were away. How he bought all the food you like to eat and bought the exact scotch you like to drink and the house smells of this candle you used to put out in your first shared apartment, there will be this jacket you thought you lost last year during shooting and all your fan mail stacked nicely on the side of the desk, that you definitely left in a state much messier than it is right now, there will be tickets for your play with a reservation for your mom prepared for you to sign and send and contracts you forgot you had to renew.

And a part of the reason you love being in this relationship so much is: they make you feel like home, they make this place fill so undeniably yours and welcome and when you tell him this he won’t get offended or feel like a stay at home dad. He feels loved, needed. And the kiss you share makes you wonder why do you have to leave so often.

They visit Maria on Thanksgiving, to give her the tickets. She wraps her arms around both of them and complains about how tall her boys got. She left Howard two years ago and she’s happy now, truly happy with her foundations and all the orphanages she helps. And if she does it because she sees Stephen in all those kids she never says this out loud.

The same year Tony was nominated for a major award and he looks back fondly a the memory of Stephen and Maria sitting together by the table listening to the speech he gave. Half a year later he was nominated for another, even more prestigious one, which he obviously won. Later the roles were reversed and it was him looking at Stephen accepting the medical award he awaited for years. Life has never been as good as it was back then, when they were on top of the world.

For his 40th birthday Tony decided to go along with the challenge he thought about ever since he was 20. Yes he’s been a part of dancing school and he’s been training new dancers. Doing some of his greatest choreographies all over the world. But it’s always been on theatrical stages. And for the first time in his life he wanted it to be filmed. Premiered. Shown to people on the big screen.

Stephen loved to watch him at work, in his natural habitat in front of cameras. He didn’t get a chance to do it often due to his busy schedule but he’s been enjoying his vacations now and what’s a better way to do it than watching his boyfriend shot a scene, take after take after take, with hair and makeup artist running around him stopping the sweat from his face. They’ve been together for years and it still managed to catch his off guard, how beautiful his boyfriend is.

In return Tony dragged Stephen to the meeting of hospital staff the invitation for which he found lying on top of the papers meant to be thrown away. He knew his boyfriend was not a fan of people working with him but he thought it would do him some good to maybe meet them outside of work as well.

Tony was used to be stared at, he kind of person people were afraid to come up to. But in this group here, he wasn’t the one worth of attention. No once really cared who he was, despite them definitely knowing his name

“They’re not intimidated by you” Christine told him “they’re intimidated by Stephen”

And she was right. Tony saw it n the glances thrown their way and people who found some courage to walk up to them but changed their mind and steered away on the last step. He’d lie if he said it didn’t fill him with some kind of pride, seeing the respect his boyfriend is given in the community.

“I learned a lot about you today” he told Stephen on their way home “I found out most of those people are terrified by you. They obviously know now that I am the better, kinder half of this relationship” he joked and his boyfriend snorted at that but he didn’t deny it

They wanted to make the most out of Stephen’s vacation which isn’t happening often so the next day they were meant to meet with Wong and Rhodey who they haven’t seen in quite a while. In the morning Tony goes to the station to pick Wong up

“Rhodes will come later. Carol had some last minute appointment about the baby and they needed to stay for a while” he says as soon as he enters the car “They’ll be here tomorrow”

They call Stephen to tell him he can start boiling the water for tea and that they’ll be home in the next twenty minutes. They pack Wong’s bags onto the back seat and prepare for the ride.

As they drive they try to catch up on everything that happened during the months they’ve been apart. How long it’s been since they last have met, the four of them together in one room. How they never expected Rhodey to be the first one to have a child even though they probably should have.

The sky is clear and the road is good and dry and the conversation flows easily between them, the smile on his lips wide and in place. When he crosses the final intersection he doesn’t even see the truck coming towards them, barrelling into traffic against the light.

He feels it before he can actually hear or see it. The tremendous crush crumpling the side of the car where Wong was sitting next to him, before the hit sends him into the air.

He screams, or at least he thinks he does and in an instant he sees a flash of Stephen’s face, his beautiful face smiling at him, the way he did this morning right before he kissed his cheek.

His ears fill with the roar of pleating metal, exploding glass and his own useless howls. Streams of tears running down his face.

His final thoughts are of Stephen. Of the happy years they shared and how this life was more than he could ever ask for. How he got more than he deserved anyway. And if he could ever tell someone about it he would tell them how he died in peace. Content with everything he achieved and with the love he was given and allowed to give.

—

The day marks 20th anniversary of the premiere of the first movie Tony ever played in. Stephen looks at an invitation from MoMA where it’s supposed to be screened and thinks about the panel he was asked to attend, to talk about Tony’s life and career and the extreme dedication that accompanied him through it.

He can’t remember when he got the invitation for the life has stopped for him a while ago. He can remember very little from the last three months. That night, before bed he goes to Tony’s side of the closet that he didn’t have the strength to empty yet where all his jeans and jackets lie in neat piles and his favourite shirts hang on the hangers.

He takes the maroon one that he used to walk in around the house and puts it over his head hoping the smell will give him some peace.

He lies awake puts the collar of the shirt closer to his nose realising how the smell faints with the disappearing time. This is the sixth shirt he has used so far and he dreads the day he’ll run out of the ones with his smell on it.

This ritual, as small and fragile as it is has kept Stephen going for months now. It took him a while to figure out what worked for him.

He started with watching the movies Tony starred in. The older ones first but they didn’t feel quite right. The newer ones worked better, Tony’s face closer to what he last saw of him, his voice stronger and less of a distant memory. He would watch them until he fell asleep crying on their sofa listening to his boyfriend on the screen.

He couldn’t really talk about moving through his days. It was more like being pushed through them. Like he was barely existing and the world was supposed to stop just for him but it didn’t. What a beautiful story would it be, if it did though.

For a while he told himself Tony is simply away filming. That he’s in London the way he was for the last few months and he’ll be coming back home soon. To him. That he was just really busy and couldn’t call him.

He cherished the voice messages preserved on his phone of “I guess you’re asleep. Just wanted to say I miss you” or “How did the shift go? I love you” and he would pretend it was a recent message, that he heard just now because of the timezones. For a while it worked well enough

Then he would write emails. He would send them each day and come up with the answer from Tony in his head, so the next email will be written as if he was happily answering the one from his boyfriend. For a while he wondered if he’s losing his mind.

It’s been four months since the finality of Tony’s absence finally started resonating in his every bone. This is where he knew the trouble will begin. He was remembering very little from the last couple weeks, barely floating through life as if his attention wasn’t needed for him to exist.

But he remembered that day vividly. He remembers boiling the water and preparing the salad the way he knew Wong liked. It’s been over 30 minutes now but he wasn’t really worried yet because he knew Tony liked to take his time while driving and maybe they just stopped for some groceries on their way.

He called Rhodey, listened to him complaining about doctors and said hi to Carol along the way, she was polite and apologised for not telling them earlier that they’ll be late. He assured her it’s fine and that the health of their firstborn was more important.

By the time an hour has passes he called Tony’s phone but to no avail. He felt a pang of irritation. Ten minutes later he started pacing all over the kitchen and tried to call Wong instead. Then once again to Rhodey, asking him if they called him.

“Calm down, Steph. You know him. They probably went to grab a sandwich somewhere and left their phones in the car” he thanked him but knew something was wrong.

As if the world heard him the doorbell chimed and he stopped in his tracks, terrified because no one has ever rung their doorbell before. They lived in the middle of nowhere in a place only few people knew about and everyone who was supposed to visit had a key.

When it rang again he found himself moving towards the door and when he opened them all he needed was the expression on the policeman’s face before he knew.

Ever since he was conscious only in flashes. All the faces he saw, crying and broken and sorrowful. He doesn’t remember identifying Tony’s body, or learning about how he had been tossed through the window and landed on another car, his back and face destroyed every bone crushed, he doesn’t remember when he heard the doctors say that Wong’s body had been obliterated.

He doesn’t remember learning that they all had seatbelts, and Tony drove with the proper speed, neither does he remember hearing that the driver of the truck has been drunk when he run that red light.

He doesn’t remember the tight hug Maria gave him the day he visited her to tell her either. Nor the tears she cried that day wetting his right shoulder where she pressed her head against him.

He knew the funeral had happened. Consciously he did. But he doesn’t remember a single thing from it. He doesn’t know who organised it, who were there, neither he remembers attending it.

For the first three weeks he avoided going out. Tony’s final movie still premiered and did numbers, people loved it and praised him to no end. But Stephen wasn’t ready to look at all the billboards and covers and see the people mourning.

At first he felt anger. He sued everyone he could think of. He sued the car manufacturer and the company the truck driver worked for. He won the trial and all the money he got from it he send to Maria’s foundation because that’s what Tony would have liked.

He met with her for the Thanksgiving that year and neither of them really enjoyed it. Not because they didn’t like each other or because they didn’t miss one another. But because them sitting there in her beautiful house on the hill reminded them of the missing presence once so loud and comforting.

The realisation hit him one cloudy day at the end of December. He had woken up in the middle of the night and suddenly he knew Tony was gone forever. That he’ll never see his eyes or hear him smile. He was never coming back to welcome him with that sweet voice again. That his strong arms will never wrap around Stephen’s torso again as he’s preparing breakfast for them and he’ll never kiss his neck. He’ll never wake him up during night full of nightmares and he’ll never thank him again after getting an award.

And that was the first time he cried since that awful day. For the last few months he didn’t shed a tear yet because he refused to believe the finality of it all. But now it dawned on him and he cried. For himself but mostly for Tony, for how he must have suffered and for how much potential the world stole from him, how many amazing works he could have still produced and be a part of. He cried because he wondered why it couldn’t be him

The next day he called Christine and told her he won’t be coming to work. This is the first time he’s ever done it so not a single person questioned his decision. For the next day he lied in bed and cried, cried, cried screaming into the pillow and then in the woods until he lost his voice and couldn’t even speak.

In the following weeks he became thankful to his younger self for storing everything about Tony that he could find. His movies, emails, covers and interviews. Every article about him that he could find. All the photographs he took on their rare days off: hundreds of them that he cherished now more than ever. He only allowed himself few a day and he would look at them for hours, scared that the image of him may once disappear from his mind they way everything else did.

He made a decision to finally enter the place he was afraid of for months. The private office they kept for Tony where he could store all his contracts and files and general paperwork. He sits down on the floor knowing it will take him hours and slowly but surly opens cabinet after cabinet taking the folders off.

Each one of them labelled with the names of the movies he’s been in. Inside of them there were contracts and scripts signed by the entire crew, pictures of them at the premieres.

When he goes through “Boston” file he founds the pictures he’s seen before. Of the four of them at university, then two of them in the first apartment they rented together, the picture of Tony’s first ballet performance and Stephen’s first day at the hospital, Rhodey’s first flight in the airforce and Wong posing with the first professional drawing he did for his company.

He has no idea what to expect when he finds a folder labelled with his name. He opens it slowly holding his breath.

Inside there’s everything that ever connected them. Every letter he ever wrote to Tony, every email printed out and folded carefully, all the birthday cards and the photographs of him, of them, some of which he’s never seen before. There are some medical magazine covers with his name on it and issues with some interviews or articles about his work. There are pictures from galas and diplomas he threw away, but Tony clearly kept.

Stephen never thought about cataloguing his life. He never felt the need to. Now he knows he didn’t have to cause Tony has been doing it for him the whole time.

And when he looks in another drawer he finds even more files. Labelled “Stephen II” and “Stephen III” he breaks down by “Stephen IV” he can no longer look at them and simply closes the cabinets before driving home.

Rhodey has been trying to contact him a few times, but he avoided it. This evening he send him a quick message saying “Sorry for being out of touch. Work. All the best for you and Carol”. James called him later that evening.

“Don’t be a Stranger, Stephen. We’re all we have left, but at least he have each other”

He would never admit how selfish he was when he thought _But I would trade you for him._

But it wasn’t a lie. Because he would have traded anything and anyone for one more day with Tony.

When his birthdays come he’s not expecting anything from anyone. He would actually love to be left alone. But when there’s something in his mail he kicks it up carefully and opens the box.

Inside there’s a photobook. With pictures He’s never seen before. Of him. Their old place at a crappy part of New York that they shared since the day one. At the very end there’s a note, in a beautiful handwriting he’s seen before “ Tony took them all” it says “He loved you from the start without even knowing it. Happy birthday.” Signed by Maria, Rhodey and Carol.

And suddenly he feels bad for not calling. For not asking about how the pregnancy is going, since the baby should be born soon. He feels bad for forgetting that even though it was a different type of love, James loved Tony too. He picks up the phone that very evening. Rhodes’ voice is heard immediately with a reassurance, that he’s glad he called.

A week later his first daughter is born and Stephen visits them with presents and congratulations. They name her Anthonia and he weeps at home thinking about it. He’s happy for them and hopes she grows up healthy but when they ask him to be the godfather he politely refuses 

He doesn’t know when and how but he makes it through the year. On the anniversary of his death he dreams of broken glass and his body in the air, of bones shattering on the ground. He wakes up with so much guilt and sorrow and missing him so much that he didn’t know how he was going to last.

Sometimes he thinks he’s doing better. He wakes up with vigor and an actual smile on his face. Today is the day I come back to life, today is the day I move on and start missing Tony less. He thinks. And then something simple happens, he remembers how he used to sit by this counter and drink his morning coffee or how he once tripped over this carpet and it all comes back. And the same day he thinks he’ll never stop missing Tony.

It’s been a year and he still couldn’t get rid of his things. He still looked at his shirts and thought about how they’ll never be worn again. How the world will never see his talent or hear his voice and how much he could have still done for others.

And days like this he knows. He really can’t do this. His hopefulness will dissolve and he’ll fall back into despair. He promised himself to keep going because that’s what Tony would have wanted for him. But he knew life without him in it wasn’t worth living after all.

He hopes a car would hit him on the street. He hopes one day in the hospital he’ll get an infection. Something swift and fatal. But it never comes. Because world is cruel like that.

“Why won’t you let me get better” he thinks “Just let me get better or end it once and for all”

And he goes through the pictures he didn’t find the courage to go through before and finds the one, back from when they were 20. 21 at best. It’s a picture of Tony standing by the balcony door, smiling. And because Stephen knows all his smiles he knows he’s happy. Content even. You can’t see what he’s looking at but whatever it is it made him truly, genuinely happy.

He turns the picture around and there in Rhodey’s handwriting he sees “ _Tony listening to Stephen, second year of university_ ” and for a few short minutes he cannot even breathe

He often thinks about how it was impossible for him to live for his own sake. How the last months were almost a torture for him. But day after day he’s been losing the last bits of motivation he had to stay alive. Each day a little bit more lonely and sorrowful than the previous.

And he hates that the world seems to have moved on. That he sees people being happy and living their lives as if his didn’t stop over a year ago and never got it’s course back. _Have you all forgotten him?_ He thinks sad and bitter.

On the second anniversary of Tony’s death he went to Italy. He wanted to be both close and away from Tony. Away from the place that took him from him but close, in the place they first kissed. He used the few Italian phrases that he taught him to order ice cream. Stracciatella, his favourite.

He tried. Of course he tried. But he still missed Tony’s presence by his side. He missed watching the pleasure with which Tony kept doing the things he enjoyed, whether it was dancing or singing or eating dinner. He missed talking to him, watching him read a script until early morning hours, he missed being picked up from the hospital for a surprise date.

He missed how they were together. How thoughtful they were of each other and how more affectionate they became with each month of their relationship. How Tony managed to tear all his walls down. He missed visiting Maria and not being a sad reminder of a lost son.

“Do you think he was happy with me?” He asked her one day and she looked at him with eyes so sad that he couldn’t look back up at her

“I know he was. He never loved anyone the way he loved you”

He wasn’t sure how he felt about that reassurance.

And six months later, without waiting for any special significant day he did it. Rhodey’s phone rang and on the other side of it was Christine. Her voice calm and steady, trained during the years and he immediately knew.

Stephen injected an artery with air, had given himself a stroke. And although Christine tried to convince him it was a painless death he knew better than this. He looked it up, found the procedure and just reading through it made him feel the agony of it.

And when they went to his apartment it was neat. The doors weren’t closed as if he left them open just for them. All the pictures and letter along with his will sitting on the table, waiting.

And they all thought. Was there anything they could do? Something to prevent this?

“At least Tony wasn’t there to see this” was everything Maria could say but Rhodey was left wondering. Would it happened if Tony was here? Would they both still be alive now?

And when Rhodey read his letter it was the first time he cried, because all that was inside was an apology. And he wonders why did it end up like this. With only him alive out of the four of them, when they all deserved happiness.

He wishes he could believe in some form of afterlife. He wished he could hope to see them once more in the future, after he’s done everything he had to do in this life.

But for now he comes back home. Hugs his wife and daughter. And promises to keep their memory alive as he hangs a picture of the four of them at their graduation right in the middle of his living room wall.

**Author's Note:**

> this is me telling you to read the masterpiece that a little life is


End file.
